What we need? A throwback to the awesomeness of Pinoy Action Movies

You do know I am an easily amused movie buff. Whenever I do my movie reviews here I just say on what I just felt, and not providing lengthy unnecessary rants that includes philosophical bullshit, finding stronger adjectives in dictionary to include in the review and being an élite movie dick.

If you read some  of my movie reviews you can see I am a big action movie fan (with Heat being my favorite movie of all time). My obsession with guns, explosions and death-defying actions sequences, the main ingredients of a typical action movie actually started way back in the 80s, particularly Philippine action movies.

Yes, Philippine action movies, which is, sadly, now extinct in favor of following movie genres eating the box office, even some of the stories are utterly stupid and terrible.

• Love stories that involves infidelities galore with a sudden sex scene thrown from out of nowhere
• Comedies that relies on cheap shocks and making you dumber while watching
• Horror with horrific production values.... and poor execution of jump scares
• Overuse of sequels with storylines that are sickening to stomach and probably written in one seating while drinking his specially requested frap (with cream) and hogging the free wi-fi of the shop

Now, they are gone, but back then, they were the king, then the late 90s bold movie era came, and the action genre was no longer a priority. A Filipino action movie always follow the same formula, we introduce the good guy who always wear a leather jacket and sometimes a white Karate like headband around his gel powered hair.  He has a strong sense of duty, very manly and he has a hot leading lady, a prerequisite for the protagonist.

The Ultimate Form of Philippine Action Hero

The bad guys, consist of one main antagonist and surrounded by his henchmen that all wears shades and leather jackets, carrying an M-16 even if their boss is just eating his dinner, inside his luxurious mansion located somewhere in Alabang, and the boss should always wear white when in his turf. They should always have white Mercedes-Benz and when his henchmen screw up he must say "MGA INUTIL, IISA LANG SIYA DI NIYO PA MAPATAY (Stupid! he is only one man and you can't even kill him?).

Alberto Del Rio: Your Modern Day Suave Great Pacquito Diaz

The climax always begin when the bad guys do something horrendous to someone related to the good guy, like murder or in extreme situations, raping his leading lady, complete with satanic laugh while doing the deed. Of course, the protagonist will rage and will do a commando one man assault to his enemies, which is strangely always in an abandon warehouse filled with corroded drums.

The last showdown before the main guy shooting the main bad guy dead they need to throw some heartfelt words to each other before throwing bullets in the air. In the end, the good guy prevails, the police arrives in the scene very late and starts grabbing surviving bad guys and ignores the protagonists even he is clearly wielding a gun, covered in bullet wounds and carrying the knowledge that he just killed a number of people. Even if the cliché premise sounds, you know, stupid in today's standard, but it was effin awesome and was effin entertaining.

With all my heart officer, I did not killed the bad guys and burned their place

, really

Last year I watched the Stallone directed film, the Expendables. A modernize throw back to the 80s action movie vibe when Sylvester and others reigned supreme. It was entertaining, sometimes cheesy but they delivered the most important factor of an action film, being it over the top.

Now I hope someone in movie industry will do a Stallone and create an action movie that has everything 80s Filipino action movie stuff on it. Here are some of my choices for the movie, and most of them has background with action movies so they are surely know their stuff. For the benefit of awesome cheesiness, as suggested by a friend, we will name the movie COBRA SQUAD: MGA BERDUGO NG MAYNILA 

Protagonists
Lito Lapid (The current Cobra Squad leader)
Jestoni Alarcon
Ronnie Rickets
Bong Revilla Jr.
Monsour Del Rosario
Erap Estrada (as Cobra Squad co-founder, mentor character)
FPJ (as Cobra Squad co-founder, an in-movie tribute to the king)

Antagonists
Eddie Guiterrez (the leader of the bad guys, the governor of a nearby province)
Eddie Garcia
Rez Cortez
Edu Manzano
Dick Israel 
Pacquito Diaz (another in-movie subtle tribute, maybe they can say he is the sole reason the Cobra Squad exist)

So far they are the only ones that I can think of. Here are the some of the things the movie needed.

• Only use rundown cars for later explosions
• Every character should wear at least a leather jacket
• The leading ladies for the good guys must show wholesome in image
• The women for the bad guys should look slutty and must use hair spray... a lot
• The last showdown's site is a broken down warehouse, full of flaming drum cans
• For the sound effects, only use the authentic old sound effects. The sound of the punch and the kick should only be one
• Everyone uses an M-16, a couple of hand gun and a bazooka with that distinctive "shiwup" sound effect.
• Show some things that made some actors famous like the bullet splitting technique of Lito Lapid
• A vintage sounding theme song is a must, probably sung by VST and Co. or Hagibis.

Maybe include in the Metro Manila Film Festival, even if they have a big chance of not winning the big ones (the horrible ones always win, well except Baler, that one was awesome). Even if the movie will probably fail in terms of box office because of a movie with an actor who has an uncanny ability to show different emotions through one emotion will destroy the movie in sales due to his rabid fans, the movie will most likely have decent cult fans and will demand a sequel.

Well, we can all dream and enjoy your day.